Updated: Jan 30
As the world spirals out of control into an abyss of uncertainty, I believe we must all accept the fact that someday we will come face to foot with giant monsters. The Japanese have known this since the early 1950s. They even have a name for it…Kaiju.
So, here are some things you need to know as we prepare to battle a future of radioactive behemoths and science gone mad.
To begin with, colossal men and 50 foot women have no sense of privacy.
Keep your shades drawn at all time and never answer the door unless you are sure of your guest’s identity. Giant insects, such as spiders, are prolific at home invasions. They are often disguised as cable TV installers, census takers, and baby sitters. Once their giant prickly hairy legs enter your home, they will never leave. Try to direct them to nearest location of a café serving giant flies.
Giant crabs, leeches, mantis, and snails are especially insistent and pushy. They lack basis social skills and manners, so ignoring their rude advances and foul language is your best response.
Never, under any circumstances accept their dinner date invitations or agree to take a selfie.
If a loved one is exposed to an atomic blast and starts to grow to an enormous size, you may find their once sunny disposition has changed.
They may stay in bed for days at a time, refusing to venture outside or to the mall.
They may be unresponsive to your heartfelt rendition of the Oscar-winning song It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp by Three 6 Mafia.
If they mumble phrases such as, "Lady Gaga's song sucks. Her acceptance speech was pretentious and phony. The media ate it up and ignored main category winners like Mahershala Ali and Regina King. The Oscars suck.", it may simply mean they harbor resentment against other Oscar-winning songs. Don't blame yourself. Keep singing.
Their interest in keeping abreast of current events may wane. They may ask you why the Oscars weren't front page news.
Their finger pointing blame game may become intensified by the Oscar oversight. You should calmly explain that you have no idea what goes through the minds of editors and publishers. Tell them you agree...a man living through a plutonium blast is a story for Yahoo News, not a legitimate journalistic institution like the Las Vegas Globe.
And try your best not to overreact to the size of their contact lenses. It will only make them more self-conscious.
Prehistoric giants are at a total loss in large urban areas. They are lumbering, embarrassing Jurassic hillbillies who refuse to ask for directions and clog traffic. They may seem primitive, but never refer to them as a "Backwards Species." Remember, there is a good chance they are your neighbor's cousins visiting from the West Texas Hill Country or Antarctica.
When dealing with these disrespectful and destructive roadblocks of world peace, commerce and prosperity, and The American Way, I just have three words…
Finally, and this seems like a suggestion that should go without saying, but if you build a wall large enough to keep King Kong out…DON’T BUILD A DOOR LARGE ENOUGH FOR HIM TO COME IN!
American Two-Spirit Productions ©2019